the mother.... 

When I was in high school, I distinctly remember even back then, other kids coming to talk to me because I would listen.

In the yearbook, there's a photo of me in the early 70's mind you..hippie times, but I'm wearing a skirt, white blouse and cardigan sweater..oh, I had bell bottom jeans and flowers in my hair, too, but this must have been my 'mother' outfit, because that was my nickname.

I pegged myself as a good listener, and at work and with others, that apparently, is one of my 'gifts'. I have always been a fixer. "Oh, sure..I'll help you with that"..."Try it this way, or why not do it that way?" 

For years, volunteering was my middle name. Anything to get to get what I thought was appreciative attention and love from someone. Like Lucy in Charlie Brown, my 'office' was always open..listening and solving problems for others. When I was needed, I was liked, and I was not alone.

There's a sign at work, that hangs outside my office door.."When all else fails, ask Kate".. For too long, the part of the sign in neon lights blinking to everyone who passed by, had been the ask Kate part.

In my codependent thinking, As long as they needed me, I would have someone and not be lonely. I thought that I would feel good about myself, except of course, when I begin to resent all the asking.

Until I learned that yes, others CAN solve problems and handle them on their own. I am able to provide the opportunity for others, and light up the first half of the sign "When all else fails" I will empower those whom I have controlled for so long a time, to look to themselves for answers, and have their own positive experiences.

And they will still care about me. I don't have to be needed in order to have a relationship with my peers at work, my friends, or even my kids. The best thing I can do for me, is to allow myself to say no to always having to control others, and yes to taking care of me.